You know, after my post yesterday, I sat with the voices and I had a realization:

Those are not voices from the void beyond. They are not voices from ghosts wanting to communicate with me. Or, well, ghosts from the past maybe…

Those are voices from people in my life, which told me what to do, what not to do, how to be and how not to be. Voices from people who packaged their fears about the world as advice and burdened me with it. They wrap the energy, they want to get rid of, as a nice gift and spread it like it was something people wanted.

When in my opinion it is more like an illness. Right now, I am so much disgusted by the thought, that I want to call it “cancer”. But that would be my energy, which I try not to put on you. I just had to write it, carefully, to get it out of my system.

The question, that remains is, what do I do with the energy, the people in my life put on me? The answer, which comes to mind, is the solarplexus chakra. Manipura. Though it is technically not my job to deal with the energies in the first place, Manipura should be able to process them.

Alright then. I will continue forward twofold. First, I will process the energy already unloaded upon me using my system. Second, I will not tolerate people unloading more of their trash on me.

I guess, this is why the yogis went into a cave in the Himalayas. No people, no trash to process. I do not intend to do the same. I know, I am strong enough. I just have to see it all. Burn bright, Manipura! City of jewels, I call upon you, to help me incinerate these energies in your heavenly furnace, so that they may be of use to me!

I mean, just imagine, what one could do with this enormous amount of energy floating around as fear, being passed to each other like a hot potato.

Love, J

You know, I’m on a short vacation with my daughter for two nights. We’re visiting a petting zoo nearby and winding down a bit. School is quite exhausting. For the kids and for us.

I’m not only on a physical journey, but on a spiritual one, too. Well, I’m pretty much constantly on a spiritual journey. But adding the physical one packs some extra punch.

Lately, I’m hearing voices in my head. Like a constant whisper in the background. I’m not yet sure, what this is. I have been working on the tenseness in my neck and shoulder area. It seems like the tenseness is coming from me trying not to hear the voices. Maybe I found this method as a kid. I had no other options available and turned to a stiff neck and shoulders to prevent me from hearing them. Or maybe this method stems from a previous life.

I guess it does not really matter. The question is, what do I do? Ignoring them seems not to be an option if I want to get rid of the tension. I am somewhat afraid of the voices. I don’t think there is a special reason for that, other than me not wanting to be crazy, of course.

There seem to be louder ones that want my attention and a lot of noise in the background. A quick youtube search only reveals some creepy music videos but nothing of direct use. I guess, I will do, what I always do. Surrender and accept.

Maybe the fear of the voices is just again my ego being afraid of dying a little more. Maybe this is me being more sensitive, again. After all, I do get the feeling I should be more able to communicate with the other side, than I am. I will find out.

I surrender.

Love, J

You know, for a long time now, I’ve been working on a past life this soul of mine had. See here, for example. a previous incarnation of me has been tortured and burned alive in the 16 hundreds.

About two weeks ago, I met my torturer. I was meditating when I bowed down to release some emotions, that showed up. As my head was down, I got the impression of boots walking up in front of me. Black leather boots with some metal on them, which made a clicking sound with every step. It was him. I finally got to meet him. The man who tortured “me”. Who poured burning tar on my back. Who nearly drowned me. Who kept me imprisoned in a cold, damp cell. Just to get a confession out of me. A confession, that I was a witch. That I had done something wrong.

As if it wasn’t a matter of opinion, what “wrong” currently means.

I don’t know, if my previous incarnation eventually “confessed”. What I know is, that she threw every curse at him she knew. While that is totally understandable for someone in her position, it also bound her and him together. For 400 years his torturing her and her cursing him for it, bound us together.

It was intense, but in the end, we released him and took back the words we spoke. In fact, it took so much effort, all of my incarnations had to help. We unbound and he left. Glad, that he finally could.

Yesterday, another man showed up in my vision. I don’t know, if it was her brother or husband, but he cared for her. They left together.

Now I’m free. And I don’t yet know, what this means. For 400 years, this mountain of a weight was put on my soul, on my shoulders. With every incarnation it got heavier. Now we released it and I’m sitting here, falling in a hole and hoping, that writing down all of it will make it better in the end.

One journey ends, another begins.

Love, Julia

You know, many years ago, I set an intention: “I break the circle of reincarnation”. I think, today, I removed myself from this chain. Let me tell you:

I have been working on releasing the tension in my neck for a while now and it felt like today was a good day to leave this chapter in the past. It turned out, my past had a big part to play in my neck troubles. And as I was sitting in my meditation space, burning some Artemisia and having invited my gods, my power animals, my ancestors and anyone else willing to help, into the sacred circle I cast, I sent healing into the future and into my past. You know, what any sane person does on a regular Sunday.

As I bowed down in front of my ancestors of this bloodline, in gratitude for having received this healing as a collective, I felt like I removed myself from a stream of energy, that had flowed from my ancestors through me, to my children. Just like that, I bowed down and this stream stayed above me. My head down, I asked myself, what would happen once I came up and once I did I found, that I could not reconnect. I got transparent and this stream of energy just passed by me, without interacting with me.

I do not know, what this means. I sent this question into the void and got the answer, that I had and the next years would show me. I’m excited to find out.

You know, I’m always an a quest to relax more. Back when I started, more than ten years ago, I consisted of pure stress. I have come a loooooooong way since then.

But when I learned recently, that dried fly amanita has the effect of calmness and relaxation, I just needed to try it. So after a little research, I bought 15 grams of fly amanita powder, which arrived a few days later. I bought it, because I’m a little late to find and collect some specimens myself. I wrote it in my calendar for next year. I don’t know, if it grows around here, though.

I also ordered a microgram-scale, because I want to be sure, not to overdose by accident. I read of doses ranging from 0.1 to 0.3 gram. So, better be safe.

The powder arrived yesterday and before it was here, I was sure I would not consume it, but only use it for smudging. As you can guess, that intention faded as fast as smoke in the wind, when I sat down in the evening and weighed the powder with my new scale. Before I could really think about it, I licked my finger, put it in the powder and then the finger in my mouth. It has a somehow pungent taste, I can tell you.

I looked at the scale to see, how much of the powder I took and it was only 0.02 grams. As it was only a fifth of the minimum dose I read of, I decided I would be ok. Nonetheless, it hat it’s effect and calmed me down quite nicely. I was able to process some trauma, which I was unable before, because I somehow had more distance to it.

Fast forward to today. I took around 0.03 grams, so I increased the dose. And boy, I did not expect what was coming for me, as I sat down for meditation. Because It was like the relaxation drew me down into the earth, to the dwarfs and fairies. At first, I was unsure, what to do and I decided not to interact. I always like to watch and wait first, if I don’t know a situation. After a few minutes, they took an interest in me.

I decided, what the heck, and asked them, if they would be willing to dismember, what I would no longer need. It seems to be, what they were waiting for, because they were all over me. I could let go a lot of stuff and at some point in the process, I felt like a plant. Like a potato, deep in the ground. Roots sprouted out of me, out of my heart chakra, my fingers, my head, ever deeper into the ground.

Out of my back grew a sapling, which found it’s way to the surface. It grew bigger and sprouted leaves, which caught the sunlight and brought it’s energy down to me. It was so quiet and peaceful. At some point, I wanted to come back, but the message was, that I was not ready, so I stayed for a while longer.

When I sensed them being done, I thanked them, drew back my roots and leaves and came back. You know, I am so grateful for experiences like this. I know they sound crazy, but I do not care, because what they do, is real for me. They help me process. Find peace. Move on. That is worth any amount of crazy for me.

You know, for as long as I can remember, my neck and shoulders have been stiff and sensitive to cold. They tense up even more, when I do not properly keep them warm and then it is quite the feat to free them up again.

I have been observing for a few months now, that meditating sometimes seems to un-freeze my back. It suddenly gets warm and I have to remove my blanket because of all the heat. The same happened just now, while I was practicing to sing. Singing helps me relax a lot.

I had an electric shoulder warmer lying on my shoulders, when suddenly my whole back and shoulders got really warm. I have the feeling, that this warmth is coming from an un-blocked blood flow, which my relaxation is opening up somehow. As of yet, I am not sure, where this un-blocking has to happen, but I am intrigued and will be sure to investigate this effect more.

I suppose a reduced blood flow is bad for several reasons, so finding the cause will probably have a lot of benefits. Not being cold around the neck being just one of them.

Universe, I will follow this light, which my future self shines through time and space to guide me!

You know, this year in spring an opportunity presented itself to offer a Hatha yoga course through a local educational institution for adults. Since I was thinking about if I wanted my own course for a few months, I took it and had five sign ups for my first course.

I did a break for summer and now sign ups are open again. I dreaded to look at the current number for a few days because after the last course, I had the impression, that people were not that appreciative of my yoga style. I probably didn’t offer what they expected. Western style yoga.

To be honest, I’m usually bad at offering what people expect. It’s kind of my life’s theme. I do my style. It might take me a while to find it, like with my yoga style. But I usually find it and it rarely happens to be what others do. Like in this instance, where there are many yoga instructors at the same institution with me. And their style seems to be more like what I would call a yoga trainer. They tell people, what to do, because it helps with their xyz problem. People follow along and have an excuse for themselfes, “but I do yoga”. So, everyone is happy.

I thought about it, if I want to do my yoga classes the same way. I probably would be able to do it and I probably could become good at it. After all, I’m already a Zumba trainer and my class is more than full.

I could do it, but I don’t want to. Because yoga is so much more than putting on a good show. I have so much more to offer than a good show. I want to share my yoga. The yoga I got to know in the last ten years of my life.

And this is why I dreaded to look at the current number of sign ups. Yesterday, I did it and after seeing there were two people who signed up, something incredible happened. Instead of sinking into dispair, because I need at least five people, I got the idea to just pass on my payment and do it anyway, if they let me.

I wrote them, that I know I am different and therefor will probably take more time but I will be doing some advertising for the Hatha course in my YinYoga workshops, which are quite well received, and we’ll see, where the sign ups go.

Having two participants opened up the next opportunity, because I can just ask them, what they want to know or do. This way it’s again less a performance and more a collaboration.

Universe, I am ready! If you send me the people, who are willing to hear me, I will help them to the best of my abilities!

You know, these past few weeks or maybe months even have been so crazy on an energetic level. I have been moving and moving and moving forward at an incredible speed.

The newest development happened just yesterday. I had two friends over and we were discussing a new course we are planning. It will be about yoga, self-care and related topics. I was sitting there, idly watching them planning the contents. Like I was hovering above a world not concerning me.

They noticed me being somewhat absent and I told them about my current state.

You know, how it is, when someone asks you, how you are? If you don’t tell them “I’m fine” right away, but take the time to really try to conjure up an answer? Like collapsing all of your current states of being into one single word? For me, that has been hard for a long time now.

The last few days, I added a new level to that experience. I started to ask myself, how I wanted to look. You know, just on a clothes level. What clothes would represent me to the outside world? And it’s the same issue as with the question of how I am feeling. I am unable to condense the multiple parts of me into a single image to present to this world.

And you know what? I came to the conclusion, that it’s fine. I will dress this body in a functional way. In a way, that it is not too hot or to cold. In a way, that it is appropriately dressed for the occasion it finds itself in.

Because yesterday I (whoever that is) realized, I am too big for this body. Come to think about it, maybe this is the reason, I am trans. I cannot condense myself to being male or female. Just like I cannot condense an answer to the seemingly simple question of how I am.

I am multiple at once. And even when someone else’s brain cannot comprehend that, mine somehow can. Like I said, the past few weeks have been intense.

You know, for a few years now, I’ve been having a rash on my shin. Always in the summer, when the sun was shining bright. I’d say it started in the year after my operation. Every year, I worked on it energetically and it feels like I have it under control this year.

There is a but.

When I concentrate on my itching shin and let the energy flow through my body, I get a warm and fuzzy feeling. Like I have finally arrived home. Yet the feeling does not stay. It fades and I cannot keep it up. This is why the rash comes back and reminds me to feel at home in this body of mine, that the great eternal mother has given me for this life.

You know, I moved my whole world to finally feel at home in this body. I want to feel at home. it has been so long. The interesting part is, that my new guru, the Rishika Romasha is bringing me the same feeling and I cannot make it stick. I’m still missing something. Some thought is in the way. Am I not allowed to feel at home? My first 28 years certainly taught me that. What followed afterwards was an epic mountain of work.

I am over that mountain. Yet it seems I have not caught up to the fact. Life is so much better now. But why can’t I feel it? Why am I not worth it? Universe? Gods? Why can’t I make it stick? What am I missing? Why am I afraid? Who would I be without this pain? The 100th iteration of me… I’m exhausted of all this change. Constantly discovering new sides, new voices, that want to be considered. This western life sucks so much. We consider ourselves enlightened, but the last 400 years have brought me so much pain. So much work, so much self-development was left undone.

This dam had to break at some point. I must say, I was part of this mirage, that there is nothing beyond this body and this life, for too long. I believed it for many lives and in the end, I paid a high price for it.

Today is the end of this long end. I can’t live like this anymore. There is a whole world beyond this flesh. It’s wonderful and miraculous and it can really help us. Not just move a problem. It can actually resolve it.

I surrender. I accept. This 100th iteration of me. Whatever may come, I will embrace it head on. For this is the only way I know how to do it, once I know. So, let me know!

I surrender

You know, for as log as i can remember, my neck and my lower and upper jar have been very tense. In fact so tense, that I can hear a cracking sound when I move my head from left to right.

I have been trying to resolve this issue for many years now. Again and again I hoped, that it will get better. It got better and then it was as bad as before. By now, I am desperate. So desperate, I write this post to get to the bottom of the problem.

This is why I send my question to the universe now:

Universe, why are my neck and my upper and lower jar so tense? Hmm, the answers are as follows:

• Bad posture due to smartphone usage and working long hours at the computer.

• Bad tooth-inlays.

• I have not found my “voice” yet. Still.

• A lot of the energy has to pass through this bottleneck, which is additionnally blocked but the aforementioned problems.

Universe, what can I do about it?

Find a rishi as guru for guidance

Ok, I was having quite a wild time with a rishi recently, until he wanted me to buy a buddha figurine and accept him as master. I could not do that, I felt resistance within me.

Since this theme repeated now, I looked into it and I found, that there are female rishis, too. They are called rishikas. I contacted a rishika named Romasha and she agreed to be my guru. This feels so much better to me. Even though I’m a little bit overwhelmed by her female energy right now. She is from a time long before patriarchy after all.

I bought a pretty figurine from India via etsy, which I will use as my wordly representation of Romasha. I’m not sure, how this will turn out.

You know, since yesterday I've been having some really intense pain in my groin area. It was so intense, that I did get a headache and even fell asleep. Which only happens, when it is too much.

Today was better, but I had a situation on the beach, when I almost had to throw up because my trousers were too tight and pressed against my groin.

My guess is, that at least some of the pain is a remnant of my operation. Since I didn't feel a lot of pain back then, the energy had to go somewhere. At the same time I had a situation today, when it felt like I was finally getting better after a very long sickness. Which would indicate to me, it has been very much longer than seven years. More like thirty.

It feels like something wants to break free, but I'm not yet sure, what. Usually it is a new, long lost part of me. I can already sense it's presence in the corner of my eye.

You know, I was never taught how to deal with change. Change always felt overwhelming for me. I never had a safe haven out of which I could make expeditions and then come back to, when life out there became too intense. My parents could not give me that. Instead, I was always out in the rain. Left for myself to deal with the harsh weather. Sure enough, my parents didn’t know any better either. It’s not their fault. They are just victims, too.

Dear ancestors, you failed to produce healthy humans! Yes, you produced humans able to survive. But at what price? It’s time to let go of these fears! Why? Because what is coming requires healthy humans. The future we’ve created for ourselfes requires us to be as emotionally healthy as possible. Because otherwise, it will crush us.

Now I am myself a parent and need to be the safe haven for someone else, when I never learned on how to do that. This is quite the job, you put on my shoulders, dear ancestors!

And maybe this looming change is about that. About me being my own sanctuary so that I can be it for someone else, who was placed in my protection and responsibility.

Dear ancestors, you failed and now it’s my job to fix this. I expect your help, because I can’t do it alone!

You know, for a few years now, I was under the impression, that I had compassion with myself. I took care of my body, my soul and my spirit as good as I was able to to.

It was a huge step up from my first thirty years, after all. Nonetheless, it somehow felt hollow. Like I was doing it, but not feeling it. I knew, I had to take care of myself and I felt better doing it. But I never felt it deeply.

Now I know why. Because I could not.

The compassion I had with myself, was in my head. It was out of necessity. Because this system of mine is rather delicate. I learned the hard way, that it takes a lot of upkeep, to just stay in a state of sanity.

Until the day before yesterday.

I’m still working on my left side. There is a pain in my pelvis, which radiates out to my foot and my neck. It is even leaving a mark on the skin of my back. Like a rash.

Anyhow, as I was visualizing the pain in shamanic mode, I saw an orb in front of my closed eyes. I took the orb, and after I did not know, what to do with it for I while, I took it in both hands and twisted the upper part against the lower part. It had glowing goo inside. And because I am crazy, I put this glowing goo into my heart.

I never know, what will happen, when I do that. It’s a little bit like gambling. Sometimes, like this time, it turns out, I’ve got a new emotion, which I’ve missed for a very long time.

We’ll see, what the future brings. The pain is not gone yet…

I wrote this post a while ago, but didn't finish it. It seems a good time, to do so now…

I think, I have already mentioned my past lives somewhere. There were plenty, but one keeps coming back. I call her “Julia”. Julia lived around 1620, probably in a city called Rothenburg ob der Tauber. I’m still trying to piece it all together. Sadly, I don’t get clear images. It’s more like I remember energies. Energies of people, places and emotions.

Julia was a healer. She used herbs and knowledge about the order of the universe to help those, that asked for it. She learned a lot of which she knew from her mother. I get the feeling, my current mother was also Julia’s mother back then. Today, my mother has a pill for every ailment. They’re not as potent or helpful as back then, but she has that in common.

Julia lived in a time of great turmoil. There was the 30 Years' War going on and the black death was causing great peril in Europe. People searched for scapegoats, that caused all this pain.

Somehow Julia got in the crosshairs of witch-hunters. She probably was denounced by someone she had helped. They tortured and condemned her in Würzburg. I still can feel the burning pitch running down my back. And the fire. The fire still haunts me. They burned her.

Like I found out recently, they also locked her up before. I finish this post, because it is time, to let go of her pain. To let go of the past 400 years and to look into the future. I try to learn from back then, because it seems they were in a similar situation. Their world was burning, too. This is, why I chose to sign her name under these blog posts.

Julia, we need your wisdom, we need your gods and I need your courage for the future to come! Please, stand by me and my family!

You know, experiencing the journey you can read about on this blog, I often ask myself, if I could go faster. It’s not that pleasant, after all. Yes, I do have very bright, joyful situations. At times, I am grateful to the point where I don’t know what to do with this huge amount of energy, other than gift it to my goddess. But at the same time, the good feelings usually are followed by another wave of less than bright experiences. Rather painful, to be exact.

So, why not go faster or stop?

The latter seems not to be possible for me. Well, it probably is not possible for anyone, but I am unable to ignore it the way, other people do. I cannot not care about my body, for example. And many of my experiences originate from my body. Because they are stuck in there. For hundreds of years, it seems. I can’t just go the the doctor, take some pill and forget about all the wisdom I collected. So, go faster?

Well, I tried that. After my 300 hours yoga teacher training, we did around three weeks of chakra shuddi (I wrote about it here). It means “chakra cleansing”. It’s a mystery to me, how the other participants could just sit there for the better part of an hour and not feel a thing. Or how I should “om” it away, like my teacher suggested. Because for me, it took a few minutes and my body started to tense up and I started to cry, scream and beat up the floor with my fists. Sure, I’ll just “om”.

After those three weeks, I fell into a hole. It took a while for me to realize, what was happening and to get myself back on my feet. So, what’s the problem?

I have made the experience, that my life has to follow my progress. Sometimes I first do something and the progress follows. On other occasions, it’s the other way around.

Here’s an example on how that works. In February, I wrote about failing to share my story. By July, I talk 30 minutes in front of strangers about the many benefits of being transgender. I buy an Harmonium and start to sing Mantras while playing on it. Both of which trigger my throat chakra so hard, that even the wind chime in my room tunes in on my screams.

This is why I chose Ouroboros for this post. It’s not clear, what triggers what. In the previous example, singing Mantras triggered my screaming. In the Chakra Shuddi example, what got me out of that hole, was signing up for a spirit healer course, to catch up with my inner state.

By now, I believe, that it is impossible to really go any faster or slower. Because I always have to integrate the necessary changes into my life. To do that, I have to find out, what the necessary changes are, first. And this both takes time. Time for my consciousness to process and for me to find a way to actually do it.

Because having an imbalance on either side hurts.

I guess, those are the physical limitations I am bound to. Evolution, so to speak.

You know, the last few days, the left side of my body hurt. It started with my left knee. Of course I did, what I always do. I concentrated on my knee and invited the reason of the pain into my life. Needless to say, my knee stopped to hurt.

The pain moved up to my pelvis. I again concentrated on the pain, but it seems to be more complicated. Yesterday, while meditating on the pain, it made me remember an old story where I was embarrassed as a child. Since back then I had no place for that kind of energy, I put it in my hole, where it seems to have been stuck since yesterday. It looks like I successfully resolved the energy of that experience.

Today morning, we embarked on our jurney to the baltic sea, where we will be staying for two weeks this year, again. On our way north, we passed Rothenburg ob der Tauber. I wrote about my ecperiences with this city here and here. I was driving the van, when I was suddenly struck by an enormous relief. It was so intense, tears started to run down my cheeks. It felt like I finally could concentrate on the future. Like I had left the past behind.

My pelvis still hurts. I can only conclude, there are more experiences to let go. We’ll arrive tomorrow or the day after tomorrow and it already looks like it will be an eventfull vacation, again.

How broken can one person be?

You know, my father started to support us with money recently. We get around 500€ per month to pay our mortgage. I knew, there were strings attached. Not from him, though. It’s my mother.

My niece celebrated her tenth birthday today and when we were ready to leave, she said, that I have so many hobbies and I don’t work enough. Because she always decided for work, when she had the choice.

Well, yes, I know. I was at the other end of that life of hers. It was I, that she decided against, when she decided for work. It was I, who didn’t have a mother who was available. Who made me function like a machine. Who ignored my feelings. I’m sure, this is her reality and she grew up like that or decided that this is somehow necessary.

But that does not mean, that I want it this way with my kids. Because I lived through that and I don’t want my kids to have this experience. I work maybe 25 hours a week. Some more, some less. My kids need me and my partner. There is no replacing us. There just isn’t. I want my kids to be less broken than me. This means I have to do different things. Because usually, the same actions give the same results.

I will do this. With or without my parents’ help. Because I believe in being here for my kids. I can’t be here always anyhow. But I can do for them, what I never had. They can have parents who care and are there for them. I will do this for them, no matter the costs. Because my life sucked and I don’t want them to have the same experience.

Mother, I’m sorry, that you never knew love. I’m sorry, that you don’t feel yourself. Or others. Or anything. But this is not my fault. It’s your and our ancestors’ fault. It’s on you and I can’t take this burden from you. I know, you will die with it. But you have to carry it yourself. Don’t blame me for the choices you made.

You know, my family and I went to Legoland today. It’s just an hour’s drive, but we avoided it so far, because we prefer the woods over fun parks.

Even though we mostly avoid fun parks, I must admit, that Legoland was ok today. It was expensive and there was a lot of noise from music and people and attractions, but it was ok. Also, We were lucky and the wait times were low on all attractions we visited.

Yet, my problem with places like this seems to be, that I am collecting energies like a sponge. I’m not yet sure, where I put them and how I collect them. Maybe in my aura? With my aura? But I am collecting other people’s (and place’s?) energies. How do I know?

Well, I’m still learning, but I observe myself and when I’m around other people, I tend to get opinions about stuff I don’t really care about, like that scar or mark or hair color or something else about that person. On other occasions, I start to have opinions about watering the plants more or how something could have been more finely made.

Of course, one could argue, those are my opinions and they show, when I’m around people. But the fact is, they don’t feel like mine. I’m usually a very egalitarian person. I don’t care, what someone looks like or if the plants could be watered more.

This is why I ask myself, if I pick up the energies floating around.

One fact, that supports this theory is, that I get ever more tired being in places like Legoland. I know, this is to be expected, when I walk a few kilometres through the park.

But once I was home, I started to wash myself. I washed my hands, my face, my forearms and I brushed my teeth. And you know what, my legs and feet are still tired, but it took me maybe 20 minutes and most of the exhaustion of the day was gone. Like I washed it away.

Now I ask myself and whomever has an answer: How can I just wash away the exhaustion, if it is not coming from the energies I picked up?

And, maybe even more important: How do I prevent me from collecting the floating energies, if they are not helpful?

You know, yesterday I read, that there are libraries with palm leaves in India. These palm leaves have been written by Rishis some few thousand years ago. They contain names of people living today with messages for them.

There are services out there which make it possible to get an online reading of ones palm leaf. But I don’t have 400€ right now.

This is why I sat down for meditation and asked the universe for the Rishi, who wrote my palm leaf.

The Rishi answered.

After some back and forth, I have a message to “put my heart out”. I understand it this way, that he wants me to show the world, what is important for me.

Then, the next morning I contacted the Rishi again. Or he contacted me? Anyway, he stretched his arm in my direction and I was supposed to grab it. After some hesitation, I did and he pulled me forward, while his “arm” moved straigt into my heart. The energy moved out of my heart, through my body in a circular fashion.

It took something away. Something, I cannot name. Once it was done, it felt like my heart was slowing down and stopping. Not the heart of this body, but my energetic heart. I do not yet know, what to make of it.

It also seems to fit the message, to “put my heart out”. This will be interesting…

You know, it’s a new moon today and a few minutes ago I let go of an old part of me, that kept me safe for many decades. It made sure I would not embarrass myself by talking about spirits and energies and stuff. It made sure, I waited until I was ready to embrace that important part of me fully.

But at the same time, this protection lay heavy on my heart. It stopped me from being myself and when I got stressed, it tightened my chest and throat. It made me speak ever louder with ever more effort to even get another word out.

The last few days I made a few steps forward. I updated my website, I wrote an application to an association of spiritual healers and I made myself visible in a catalogue of consultants and healers.

Those are no big steps by themselfes. Just an email and a letter. But they mean, that I open myself up to the possibility of moving my life into that direction. I just thought about writing, that this should have been my direction all along. But writing that felt wrong. So I write this instead: It took me 42 years to get here. I have learned so much about me, other people and the universe itself. I have made so many friends, real and in the spirit world. This is the speed, that I am supposed to have. Whis is my way.

I do not know, what will happen next. I will accept the part, which the universe assigns me to. Right now, I formulate that part like this:

I accompany people for a while on their journey back to the source. I support them to overcome the obstacles on their way by showing them new paths.

We’ll see, if I have to update that in a few years. But right now, I’m comfortable with it, because this is, what my life has been about for quite some time now.

I bow down in deep gratitude to the guardians of the elements, the powers of the universe, my undying soul, my ancestors and my goddess Luna. I am your humble servant and priestess. Guide my way.

You know, I’ve been working on my anxiety towards bodies of water for a few years now and today, I want to report success, because I did it 🎉! I dove in the sea yesterday 🧜🏼‍♀️! (This totally warrants some emojis!!)

Ok, some more background. I wrote here on this blog somewhere, that for many years I had been unable to enter and spend time in water, that was not as clear as a pool. As soon as I stopped to see my feet, it became a problem. As you may know from experience yourself, natural bodies of water like the sea or a lake are often not this clear. Especially not on the shore.

You might argue, that if I have a problem with it, why don’t I just stay out of it?

You might be right, if I wouldn’t be me. If I notice something like that and I get the feeling, that it should not be this way, I do feel the need to investigate.

I cannot describe the path in full, because I do not remember all its parts, but it has to do something with me, my soul and not wanting to see and being unable to accept things about myself. Why?

Because even though I dove in the sea with my monofin and diving googles yesterday, I still swam through shallow, gloomy waters. Just the thought of being able to see, that I am swimming a few meters above ground, still tightens my chest. So this is definitely a milestone and yet, there is still work to be done.

But back to yesterday. I went back to the beach after my dive and I thought to myself, that I had done it and there was no need to go back in today. As you might know, I have kids and my son wanted to go back in with me. I felt reluctant, but eventually, I did it and took another few dives with him. I played with him for a while and told him to stay where he ways, because I wanted to swim a little bit farther.

And this is, where I found the reason I didn’t want to go back in. I had recognized the feeling already, walking into the water, but here it was more distinct. I had found a monster. An old, forgotten and even ousted part of me manifested itself first as anxiety and then as the sensation, that something dark grabbed my shoulder. Which is rather uncool while swimming.

I went back to my son, played with him some more and then it was time for me to get out of the water. I had found, what I came here to find. I don’t yet know, what I found. But I sure as hell will have a talk with this monster. I’m always excited to find out new things about me.