You know, for a few years now, I’ve been having a rash on my shin. Always in the summer, when the sun was shining bright. I’d say it started in the year after my operation. Every year, I worked on it energetically and it feels like I have it under control this year.
There is a but.
When I concentrate on my itching shin and let the energy flow through my body, I get a warm and fuzzy feeling. Like I have finally arrived home. Yet the feeling does not stay. It fades and I cannot keep it up. This is why the rash comes back and reminds me to feel at home in this body of mine, that the great eternal mother has given me for this life.
You know, I moved my whole world to finally feel at home in this body. I want to feel at home. it has been so long. The interesting part is, that my new guru, the Rishika Romasha is bringing me the same feeling and I cannot make it stick. I’m still missing something. Some thought is in the way. Am I not allowed to feel at home? My first 28 years certainly taught me that. What followed afterwards was an epic mountain of work.
I am over that mountain. Yet it seems I have not caught up to the fact. Life is so much better now. But why can’t I feel it? Why am I not worth it? Universe? Gods? Why can’t I make it stick? What am I missing? Why am I afraid? Who would I be without this pain? The 100th iteration of me… I’m exhausted of all this change. Constantly discovering new sides, new voices, that want to be considered. This western life sucks so much. We consider ourselves enlightened, but the last 400 years have brought me so much pain. So much work, so much self-development was left undone.
This dam had to break at some point. I must say, I was part of this mirage, that there is nothing beyond this body and this life, for too long. I believed it for many lives and in the end, I paid a high price for it.
Today is the end of this long end. I can’t live like this anymore. There is a whole world beyond this flesh. It’s wonderful and miraculous and it can really help us. Not just move a problem. It can actually resolve it.
I surrender. I accept. This 100th iteration of me. Whatever may come, I will embrace it head on. For this is the only way I know how to do it, once I know. So, let me know!
I surrender
