You know, for a few years now, I was under the impression, that I had compassion with myself. I took care of my body, my soul and my spirit as good as I was able to to.
It was a huge step up from my first thirty years, after all. Nonetheless, it somehow felt hollow. Like I was doing it, but not feeling it. I knew, I had to take care of myself and I felt better doing it. But I never felt it deeply.
Now I know why. Because I could not.
The compassion I had with myself, was in my head. It was out of necessity. Because this system of mine is rather delicate. I learned the hard way, that it takes a lot of upkeep, to just stay in a state of sanity.
Until the day before yesterday.
I’m still working on my left side. There is a pain in my pelvis, which radiates out to my foot and my neck. It is even leaving a mark on the skin of my back. Like a rash.
Anyhow, as I was visualizing the pain in shamanic mode, I saw an orb in front of my closed eyes. I took the orb, and after I did not know, what to do with it for I while, I took it in both hands and twisted the upper part against the lower part. It had glowing goo inside. And because I am crazy, I put this glowing goo into my heart.
I never know, what will happen, when I do that. It’s a little bit like gambling. Sometimes, like this time, it turns out, I’ve got a new emotion, which I’ve missed for a very long time.
We’ll see, what the future brings. The pain is not gone yet…
