You know, at some point in my childhood, I walked out on my emotions. I do not know, when it happened, because it was not a conscious decision. But just an hour ago, I got the déjà-vu, how it felt.
We’re on the last day of our stay here at the Baltic Sea. I already put the bikes back on the rack yesterday. We’ll start the journey home after breakfast. Like on many of the mornings in the past two weeks, I was out on the beach in the morning, to do some Sun Salutations and just sit there to listen to myself.
After I was done, I went back to the van and while walking the three flights of stairs leading up the sandy cliffs, I felt like I would leave something behind. A part of me, that was screaming at me to not do exactly that. I kept on walking, as I have left behind old parts of me many times before. And this one was no different, was it?
Before I continue, here is some backstory: We have been struggling with my son’s strong emotions for a while now, my partner and I have not handled them very well. We were and still are overwhelmed very often, just like he is. We mainly get angry with him. Which is utterly useless to all of us.
I was not taught, how to handle my emotions. And now I am unable to help my son with his. This is the hard part for me with having kids. They show me exactly, where I have work left to do. And it hurts. Anyhow, we’re now on the strong emotions-train and we ordered some books. I watched a youtube video and I suppose, that in order to help my son, I first have to be able to get a grip on my emotions.
Don’t get me wrong, I have become so much better the last ten years. But it still feels like there is a wall between my emotions and me. I need a while, before I can tell, what I am feeling about something. I suppose, the wall is my way to prevent, what is happening to my son. He just gets swept away by his emotions. Especially in the evening. He throws things, he bites, he pinches and for me, it feels like he is not in control of his actions.
Walking away from that screaming and crying part of me felt like my mother walking away from me. Like she was overwhelmed with my emotions and also did not know, what do do. History repeats itself. So she walked away and left me alone with them. I don’t blame her, those were different times. But I think, she could have done two things: Look actively for answers and listen less to the BS she got from her parents and parents-in-law and more to what she felt herself. But well, those were different times. She was the first post-war-generation and the war hit us hard.
Being alone with my emotions, I suppose, I built a wall. Julia’s great wall. Dividing herself into two and forcing her into her head. The wall then was strengthened and repurposed for other uses as well. Like not feeling, that I wanted to be a girl, but was not. The usual stuff everybody has.
I’m digressing. I went to the van. But unlike the other old parts of me, this one did not leave me. It occupied my mind and I felt bad for leaving it down there on the beach. So, after a while feeling bad, I went back and we had a talk (yes, I talked to a part of me, don’t you? Well, I’m a shaman…). I apologized and we made up. I don’t know, how our relationship will develop. But I am willing to try. Both for me and for my son.
