Ghost from the past

Built into Lego

You know, when I was eleven years old, I had an accident involving me on a bike and a car. The car hit me from the side, as I was crossing the road leading through our village. I was on my way to soccer training, which was a bad idea in itself, but that’s for another post.

After the accident, I woke up in an hospital, not remembering a thing. I suffered a head injury and my leg was broken. The scar from the head injury is still visible today and I had to walk with crutches for several weeks.

While I was in the hospital, my parents got me a Lego van. I was building a lot of Lego back then and it was a safe bet. This one:

I assembled it, while I was in the hospital. I kind of remember driving it over the bed sheet. It has stayed with me ever since. At some point it moved from my room to the attic of my parent’s house. I took it - along with other Lego I had not sold - with me, when I moved in with my partner. And then again it moved with me to the new house we built when the kids were on their way.

A few months ago, my son found it in the attic and wanted to bring it down. Well, why not. He also found the instruction manual featuring the second model and asked me, if we could build the second model. I was like “no, we can’t”. When he asked me again a few days later, I declined his request a second time. But something felt off. It felt like I could not disassemble it. Like it had to stay exactly like it was.

I let it go for a few days, until yesterday. I was meditating when I realized, that I had to disassemble it. So I got up, went upstairs and began to take the van apart piece by piece. It had stayed the same for over 30 years, it was not sold with other Lego and it moved two times with me.

Taking it apart, I felt emotions bubbling up. Like I put the pieces together with the emotions I had no other way to express back then. The energy lingered between the pieces and I set it free again. Even now, I already told the story to two people and there is still energy left to process with this post.

I decided, not to go to bed but go back to my meditation place and work through the emotions. The moment the car hit me came back to me. Again and again and again. “oh damn”, I thought to myself. Luckily I remembered EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and it helped me to process this trauma. There was some energy left, but it went by without greater problems.

Yet, I am still stuck on the situation, that unfolded after the car hit me. I am looking down on the body of a child lying on the street, me floating upwards and only thinking “let me go”. I was ready to die. In fact I think the whole situation was designed with this end in the universe’s mind. Me being dead.

Obviously I survived. But I do not know, what to do with this situation. I mean, if it really was the end goal, I would be dead, wouldn’t I? But then again, what was the reason for this happening to me?

The answer, that I get is: I needed to survive this accident but I also needed a part of me being lost until now. Because I wasn’t ready.

Love, Julia