Mabon (fall equinox) is just over and the last days were very intense for me. It’s also been a week since my friend’s wedding. The wedding helped me to work on an old issue of mine: my “missing” childhood. It’s “missing”, because I can’t remember most of it. On occasion, I’ve called it my abyss.
The wedding had an intense effect, because many of my experiences in my life were, that I am not wanted. Maybe, because I am complicated. I am a lot of work really. And often I do mirror people. They see all the stuff they don’t want to see about themself in me. But on the wedding, there were two situations, which, in hindsight, stand out. Both had to do with a photo box, the bride had set up.
The first situation was, when I noticed, that the bride and a few of her friends took pictures with the box. I stood up and went to them. I had met them a few months earlier at the bride’s bachelor party. I took a few pictures with them and withdrew again. Then, something amazing (for me, at least) happened: Someone asked me, why I’m not on the photo and wanted me to come back. That hadn’t happened to me before. Ever. Yes, that is sad.
The second situation happened at the photo box, too. I took a photo with the bride. We did a “normal” one smiling and two silly ones. Nothing special. But, as I wrote in another post, I realized my missing friends, while growing up.
Then, one evening last week, I went to my meditation place and before I entered, I had the familiar feeling of dying, if I continue. Of course I continued, I’ve “died” several times before. This time, my attachment to friends died. It was not as intense as when I let go of other attachments. But I already knew, what would happen. Well, I didn’t know what I had to let go. But the initial feeling was familiar.
The interesting thing is, that I let go of my attachment to people and things, but it does not change my life. At least, I haven’t noticed changes, that would be worthy of something dying. I suppose though, that I will be a little less clingy with my friend, again. I have noticed myself becoming more “normal” as I do the shadow work.
The next notable thing happened yesterday. I sat there and meditated in the evening, as usual. The whole day before, I felt gratitude for being alive, for being healed a little more. Then, during meditation, this gratitude intensified to the point where I burst into tears and it was actually such an intense feeling, that I didn’t know how to cope. It weighed heavily on me and I lay down on my back.
I suppose, the amount of gratitude is as large as the amount of pain, that was there before. I rarely notice the pain though, it has been such a constant companion, that I fear I don’t know who I will be without it.
Anyhow, since that moment, I have a new sensation in my chest. It feels like my heart is surrounded by a ball of light. Or my heart is a ball of light. Hard to say.
Over the years, I’ve had several strange sensations like this. At some point I had bright lines on my skin. I can’t remember another one right now, but I do remember they all vanished after a few days. Well see…
Love, Julia