You know, since yesterday I've been having some really intense pain in my groin area. It was so intense, that I did get a headache and even fell asleep. Which only happens, when it is too much.
Today was better, but I had a situation on the beach, when I almost had to throw up because my trousers were too tight and pressed against my groin.
My guess is, that at least some of the pain is a remnant of my operation. Since I didn't feel a lot of pain back then, the energy had to go somewhere. At the same time I had a situation today, when it felt like I was finally getting better after a very long sickness. Which would indicate to me, it has been very much longer than seven years. More like thirty.
It feels like something wants to break free, but I'm not yet sure, what. Usually it is a new, long lost part of me. I can already sense it's presence in the corner of my eye.
You know, I was never taught how to deal with change. Change always felt overwhelming for me. I never had a safe haven out of which I could make expeditions and then come back to, when life out there became too intense. My parents could not give me that. Instead, I was always out in the rain. Left for myself to deal with the harsh weather. Sure enough, my parents didn’t know any better either. It’s not their fault. They are just victims, too.
Dear ancestors, you failed to produce healthy humans! Yes, you produced humans able to survive. But at what price? It’s time to let go of these fears! Why? Because what is coming requires healthy humans. The future we’ve created for ourselfes requires us to be as emotionally healthy as possible. Because otherwise, it will crush us.
Now I am myself a parent and need to be the safe haven for someone else, when I never learned on how to do that. This is quite the job, you put on my shoulders, dear ancestors!
And maybe this looming change is about that. About me being my own sanctuary so that I can be it for someone else, who was placed in my protection and responsibility.
Dear ancestors, you failed and now it’s my job to fix this. I expect your help, because I can’t do it alone!
