OK, this may sound strange to you. But since I transitioned and since I started healing, I also started to inhabit my body more. I’ll try to describe my sensations: Looking back, it feels like I had so much pain bottled up within my body that it drove me out. The pain drove me out and I was all in my head. I did not feel my body. Sure, it worked and I could use it to go places and do things, but only barely. It never felt so “mine”, like it does now. I don’t want to know what issues (aka illnesses) it would have by now if I didn’t pull a hard U-Turn.
I wonder if that is one of my tasks for this life. Coming back. Back into my body, back to “me”. I’m a believer in reincarnation, because it looks like I have been here many times. I have been buried alive in ancient Egypt, died on the battlefield of some war centuries later with my gut wide open. I watched my tribe being wiped out in Africa and wandered home- and hopeless until I eventually died out of grief. I was burned at the stake as a witch, after some good old torturing. The details are blurry, but the sensation of burning pitch on my skin still remains. At some point I was a yogi, which did not end bad, as it looks like. I somehow was involved with the Nazi’s concentration camps. Maybe I don’t want to remember this one in more detail. To top it off, I was born in the wrong body in this life.
I wonder, if this much pain over the millennia drove me out of my body and if being trans is a mere result of that. I mean, being trans is probably the “nihil supra”, the best place to be for an out-of-body experience. I can tell you, for me it has been a lonely and boring place. This place has no feelings, no connections, no meaning of life. It is just a big void. This is why it feels like coming home.
I once told my therapist, that my arm feels like my own again. I did not elaborate because I could not. It was like before it was no one’s arm. I could move it. But I had no other connection to it. By now I would say the biggest parts of my upper body are mine. My hands are still complicated as are my shoulders and neck. My legs and feet are still a work in progress. My face depends on my mood and overall well being. It’s like a mirror of my inner world. The weird thing is I do not really notice, that they are missing. I only notice, once they are back. I can say they are missing, because I can feel the pain left to be healed within them. Sadly not the amount of pain. But that there is still some work to be done.
Once all the pain of the millennia is healed, I will again inhabit my body. I hope this life is long enough…
Love, Julia