I’m writing this post while the first autumn full moon is shining through my window. I cherish seeing the moon. Because she is somewhat finicky. One day she is here, the next day she is gone. Sometimes, she can be seen in the night and on other days during the day. Every 29.5 days she vanishes from sight completely.
She is reliable and not reliable at the same time. Her sight calms me down, yet I know she is always here for me. I call myself her priestess. I’m actually not sure why, but it feels right. Maybe this, too, will reveal itself at some point in the future.
Just like I took my time to realize, what is wrong with my life. As I’ve already mentioned several times in other posts, I’m transgender. I wasn’t assigned the social attribute “girl” at birth. And although I’m on my way for ten years now, I struggle with calling myself a woman. I have enough arguments for my head to tell me it’s alright to do it:
There are plenty of women out there, who don’t have an uterus, like me.
I certainly have zero trouble of being accepted as a woman. Even though I don’t adhere to the stereotypes.
My body flourished the second it came in contact with estrogen. My whole being longed for it.
Yet, I find myself not feeling, that I belong to this 50% of the world’s population. I certainly don’t belong to the other 50%, that I know for sure. I have been in an in-between-state my whole life. Maybe the way out of this state was shown to me today, while meditating right before writing this post. This is what happened:
My meditation place faces east and the full moon shone down on it in all her grace. Before I entered my meditation place, I had the feeling, that something would happen today. It felt right to take off all my clothes. I greeted my meditation place and entered.
At first, I couldn’t find, what was expected of me. For me, spiritual development has always been something, that happened to me, when I was ready. Today, I felt the moon having a message for me, but it was too subtle. I struggled to tune in to the message for about twenty minutes. At some point, I had the feeling of lying down on my back, so I did.
As I have had several occasions like this before, I said to myself: “I surrender”, “I accept”, “I am your humble priestess”. It took a while, but then I felt the cool light of goddess Luna flooding my body. The energy entered me and filled me with her grace. I felt relaxation. I felt a weight, dropping off me. I felt her femininity.
I have been building things for all my life. I created towns out of Lego bricks and when I was too old, I started to build a huge software that supports my life today. I constantly create new things out of wood or with my 3D printer. Maybe it is time to re-assess this part of my life. Maybe, I was compensating the missing ability of my body to create life. Maybe I can slow down now.
It feels like I have found the missing part of my femininity. Goddess Luna has given me the permission, to call myself a woman. I realize, that this permission need not come from “outside”, yet it is not “outside” at the same time. I still feel her presence within me. Time will tell…
Love, Julia