You know, when I was in my late teens, I often thought about killing myself. There were a few more concrete situations, but I never actually tried. I’m not completely sure, what held me back, but when I finally transitioned, things got better.
What remained until recently, was a death wish. It was by far not as severe as suicidal thoughts, but this wish was lingering in the background. It was my go-to response to life being busy and exhausting, like our western life with kids often is.
Also, up until recently, my thumbs’ nails split regularly. Either the top separated from the bottom part of the nail or it just split lengthwise. For a few years now, I practically never had a white part of the nail which was logner then half a millimeter.
I’m telling you this, because it seems like the death wish and my thumb nails are connected. After realizing, that my nails were not splitting anymore, I asked myself why and the realization came, that my death wish was gone. I don’t mean, I supressed it to my subconscious. It is just gone. Weg (german for away).
I’m having a hard time to wrap my head around this one, actually. Because this emotion was with me for so long and now it is just gone, like it never existed. And I probably wouldn’t even have noticed it, were it not for my thumb nails. I’m just flabberghasted (I wanted to use this word for a long time), that it is simply gone.
Dont’t get me wrong, it was hard work to get here and I also learned, that this probably has to do with my lung meridian fixing itself, but it does not help my amazement.
