Meet Nehéma, my mermaid-self.
I have had a fascination for mermaids for a log time. It started at least in 2006, when I binge-watched the series H2O, just add water (back then, I had time for something like this). Since then, I had an on-off relationship with mermaids. Some times they were more present than others. Then, in the summer three years ago, we went to the sea again, after a long break.
I had trouble being in the ocean. And I’m not talking about swimming in the open sea. I’m talking about being in the water about knee deep. It felt dangerous to be in there. Like it was none of my business being in there. Like it was not my natural habitat. Which it isn’t, obviously, for I am a human (more or less). And humans don’t mix well with salt water for a prolonged period of time.
I have a similar problem with lakes, by the way. Which I didn’t have, when I was in my early teens. I’d say it started around sixteen, when I stopped swimming in lakes and started to prefer a swimming pool.
When I stood knee deep in the ocean and not being able to see my feet was a problem, I knew, there was something to it. For the water often symbolizes the subconscious and the depth of the sea holds the secrets to one’s self. So I started to work on it. First, by searching the internet for jellyfish. How dangerous they are and what to do, if our paths intersect in an unfortunate way. Back in my teens I witnessed my sister being hit by a jellyfish on her leg and I remember my panic, because I was in the water, too. So, learning more about them, improved things a bit.
The more interesting part happened, when we were back home. I can’t remember why, but mermaids reemerged into my consciousness. I started researching them on the internet and found out, that they exist in many cultures around the world since a pretty long time. They are somewhat of a collective thing. Sometimes they are good, sometimes less so. But they exist and I asked myself, why. Even more importantly, what do I do with them.
I also watched YouTube videos and found several women, who consider themselves professional mermaids. What? It never seemed possible to me, to do something like that. It intrigued me and I found several companies, who offer monofins. A monofin is just like swimming flippers, but with both feet in one flipper. So it looks like a mermaid. Ok, of course, I got my hands on one of them.
Luckily, my parents have an indoor pool and I started swimming with the monofin in the pool that fall. It feels great! At the same time, swimming in the pool has been a spiritual experience for me (yeah, I know, me again). I worked through several stages of the feeling of being dragged down. Like something from deep below was pulling me down into the depths. Which at that particular pool are only about 1.5 meters.
The good thing is, that I always are alone in that pool, so no one can hear me scream, when I process some crazy shit.
Last year, we went to the sea again. I noticed, that I was a lot more relaxed and even able to go into the water up to my shoulders. Huge progress! I even took a tour on a SUP with my son. We went around a wave breaker, maybe 100m in and around 10m away from the stones. I’m a really good swimmer, but this still was a little bit out of my comfort zone. But hey, all good.
I did not swim in my parent’s pool during the summer. As I’ve mentioned, it’s indoors and pretty warm. And we were at the sea, so no real reason. When I started to swim again with my monofin in the fall, I knew I was serious about it and that it was time to invest more. I did research and ordered a mermaid tail. It’s a kind of trousers made of swimsuit material with only one leg and with scales printed on in. The monofin goes in there, too. I bought a version with fins on the side and the back, which is lower middle class.
It feels amazing. It’s kind of insane, but even this relatively cheap version feels great. Like fitting in more with the water. Ok, what does every well-raised westerner do, when she likes something? Of course, she goes and looks for something better. Just to support the economy, I’m sure you understand.
And I found something better. The semi-professional tail needs some saving, they start at about 350€. But I ordered a better monofin. And I wouldn’t have believed it, but swimming with this thing is even better. It’s so much more agile, I can do anything in the water. The pool is getting small with this one. Of course, it’s also more of a workout.
And now, we come to the interesting part of this story. Yesterday evening I sat at my meditation place, like usual. I thought to myself, why not try to really relax. You know, usually I process a lot during meditation and rarely sit still. This time, I wanted to get calm. Really calm. This is, when Nehéma came to me.
Because I somehow got the idea, that I could be a mermaid. I could submerge myself into the cold, dark and quiet depths of my inner sea, without being afraid of drowning or of the monsters, that lurk down there and want to pull me down. For I am a badass mermaid, which has her home down there and knows the dangers. Of course she is a sea-witch and can deal with anything, this strange world throws at her.
And for me even more interesting, is the fact, that all of this started over 18 years ago. Just like my subconscious knew, my future self would need a mermaid. It led me all the steps I had to take, to be here today and have the tools available to go even deeper.
Today, I gave her a name: Nehéma. Because we will see each other more often in the future. There is a lot to be done, down there, in my deep subconscious.
Love, Julia