You know, my father started to support us with money recently. We get around 500€ per month to pay our mortgage. I knew, there were strings attached. Not from him, though. It’s my mother.
My niece celebrated her tenth birthday today and when we were ready to leave, she said, that I have so many hobbies and I don’t work enough. Because she always decided for work, when she had the choice.
Well, yes, I know. I was at the other end of that life of hers. It was I, that she decided against, when she decided for work. It was I, who didn’t have a mother who was available. Who made me function like a machine. Who ignored my feelings. I’m sure, this is her reality and she grew up like that or decided that this is somehow necessary.
But that does not mean, that I want it this way with my kids. Because I lived through that and I don’t want my kids to have this experience. I work maybe 25 hours a week. Some more, some less. My kids need me and my partner. There is no replacing us. There just isn’t. I want my kids to be less broken than me. This means I have to do different things. Because usually, the same actions give the same results.
I will do this. With or without my parents’ help. Because I believe in being here for my kids. I can’t be here always anyhow. But I can do for them, what I never had. They can have parents who care and are there for them. I will do this for them, no matter the costs. Because my life sucked and I don’t want them to have the same experience.
Mother, I’m sorry, that you never knew love. I’m sorry, that you don’t feel yourself. Or others. Or anything. But this is not my fault. It’s your and our ancestors’ fault. It’s on you and I can’t take this burden from you. I know, you will die with it. But you have to carry it yourself. Don’t blame me for the choices you made.
