We have an incredible mind. It tries to protect us from the consequences of trauma, unaware of the cost it imposes on our self at the same time.
I realize, that my upbringing was not as loving, as someone with my sensitive nervous system would have needed to have. I did not have a stable relationship to my parents. My mother was and still is emotionally unavailable. That made the loss of a person close to me all the more painful. I had no one to turn to.
Writing that down, I once again realize, that my childhood was no loving place to be. I already knew that, but the extend baffles me, over and over.
Fast forward through a life without the unconditional parental love, that keeps so many traumas at bay and I collected a big heap of trauma. I’m more sensitive than other people and I had no love in my childhood, that could absorb the pain and dissipate it.
The last ten years, I have done an incredible amount of work on myself. Yet, one random day, I sit in front of my pc, having a video call with my friend, that I actually managed to keep. I don’t remember what we talked about. Maybe work, maybe something else. Then, she looks down on her phone. We continue talking. Once again, she looks down. I get frustrated, but don’t mention it. We continue to talk and after a while, she does it again! I’m feeling my emotions rise. She dares to not be fully present with me? Whoa, what is she doing! Punch. Her. In. The. Face!
Ok, stop! I observe myself and ask myself, what is happening. Surely, it is not nice of her, to look at her phone. But me getting that emotional about it, feels off. I could make a scene and probably leave her flabbergasted about what just happened. I decide not to, because I realize, the problem is not her. It’s a shadow of mine. A shadow, that has it’s name, because it is unseen by the mind. A shadow, that silently influences my behaviour, if I don’t realize what is happening. A shadow, that would probably cost me the friendship eventually.
What do I do?
I have to resolve the issue and get the shadow out of my unconscious mind into the light of consciousness. This means, I have to face the underlying problem, so that it cannot influence me any longer, without me knowing. Therefore, in the evening, I sit down on my meditation place and replay the situation in my mind. I see my friend looking on her phone, I feel my emotions cooking up. There, right now, I stop and ask a question to myself: “Why is this happening?”
I let the question echo within me and listen to what answer is rising into my consciousness.
Ok, my parents. Hmm, they do not care about me the way I need it. It is a stressful situation, because I depend on them. I need them. Without them, I probably will die. I am not worth their attention. BUT I NEED THEM! Ok, there the emotion is.
Now, feel the emotion! Ouch, that hurts! I’m shaken up inside and outside. Tears are running down my cheeks. My neck is tensing up, a scream is finding it’s way from deep down. From the bottom of my soul, I scream it out. I smash my fists in the ground. My hands hurt. Here it comes again, another wave. I fall down on my back, my head landing on the pillow, I have put there for exactly that reason. Another scream, my body reacting with twitches and again, I drum my hands on the ground multiple times.
It’s out.
This is, what it takes for me, to resolve a minor problem of my friend looking at her smartphone while talking to me. And with “resolve” I mean, it does not trigger me any longer. Sure, it still is not nice of her. But I can just ignore it. If it would still trigger me, I’d start from the top. Until it is gone.
Love, Julia