In my opinion, we never stop developing. In childhood, we develop primarily our body and as we age, the development takes place in ever more subtle layers of existence. Just like the Chakras get ever more subtle, the higher you go, the more spiritual our development becomes with age.
But instead, I get the impression, that many of us stop developing at some point and are stuck there for many years. I was definitely stuck. I even can tell you the date, time and location when I got unstuck again: January 11th, 2013, 2am in the morning. I was lying on the bathroom floor, crying and screaming my guts out. This was the moment, I accepted my fate as being transgender. This was the moment, I put my feelings above my thoughts. This was the moment, I was born anew. This was the moment, I surrendered the first time.
I didn’t know it back then, but in the last ten years, I surrendered many times. In fact, I have lost count. I had moments, when I stood before my meditation space, feeling like I would die, if I continue. And die, I did. Many times, piece by piece, my ego dies. And I feel it every time. For me, it is a conscious decision to continue. I have no choice but to let it all go. I am driven.
But before I tell more, maybe some explanation, what actually dies: My attachment to worldly things, people and events. The parts that make me, who I think I am. Yet, I am nothing, that exists in this world. I am not my job, I am not my possessions. I even am not a partner nor a parent. I am just this immortal soul, having this mortal experience. And for my spiritual development, these attachments have to go. This is why it feels like dying. They are important because they are the base of who I think I am. At some point I’ll even have to let go my attachment to pain. I think, that pain is rooted at the very core of my being and right now, I wouldn’t know who I am without it. I’m not there yet, though.
But let’s return. I think, the reason for me being so driven is, that I have something, that is called “Kundalini awakening” in the yogic world. From the perspective of a yogi, this is a great thing. From the perspective of a person living in the west, this is a problem.
In a yogic tradition, there is guidance for a person being “afflicted” with Kundalini. Here in the west, there is no easy guidance and one might even be considered crazy, if treated by a therapist who does not understand what is going on.
What does Kundalini mean? It means, that I have a very intense energy rising from my lowest Chakra upwards, through every other Chakra. On its way, it cleans the Chakras and drives out all the blockages. Yes, it is as much fun as it sounds. I regularly am forced to work on an issue because Kundalini decided so. In yoga, Kundalini is revered as a goddess and I understand why. She surely has her own will.
I had a yoga teacher trainer once tell me, that she did a vipassana retreat for four weeks or so and nothing happened. I would think twice before doing something crazy like this. The goddess would probably grant me a great many visions and gifts in that time, which I would need weeks to work through and which would change my life rapidly in some fundamental ways.
Because life-changing events are the other part of spiritual development. After letting the ego die, I also have to integrate all the parts of me, that I never knew existed. But I freed them and they throw a tantrum, if they don’t get a piece of my life’s time.
So now I’m a transgender mom of two who is doing magic while meditating and reading about shamanism and Tibetan meditation practices. In my spare time, I do some woodworking for our house and I’m a Zumba teacher who tries to grow a garden. We have a camper van, to get more connected to the nature around us. I own a business, which pays a big part for the house, but for which I have ever fewer time. I think, I probably like to give YinYoga lessons and do a Tarot-course this fall. Oh and I think I’ll have to write all of it down at some point (here at substack, maybe?), to prevent my head from exploding and to process all of it, so that I can move forward even more.
Are you getting light-headed? I certainly am. There are so many parts of me, that want attention and I’m not really sure how to integrate all of them. Especially, since they are still getting more. At some point, I’ll have to let go of something. But what will it be? Do you get now, why it is easier to do this in a more fitting setting, than the western one? Where you arent supposed to work a big amount of time each day, to buy things you need, to live in this system?
Especially, since we westerners are accustomed to work for something, to get something in return. It’s a tiny bit different with spiritual development. Because I can only offer myself the opportunity for development. I cannot force it. I’m not even entitled to it. It is granted to me, by the universe. At its will.
Love, Julia