Last weekend, my friend celebrated her wedding. She really put a lot of effort into it and I had a part to play, as well. Before they traded rings, she wanted six people to offer wishes and I was one of them.
It took me quite a while to write my wish. I felt pressure, to get it right and it took a process, which lasted several days. The end result does not resemble my initial thoughts, but that is fine. I listened to the flow. I felt, it probably would be the best way to get to something good:
Dear bride and groom,
I wish you a light and a lot of courage.
Because, when two people walk together, it often takes courage.
Courage, to face the hard parts of your journey together.
Courage, to believe in the other, even if he has lost sight of the way.
Courage to trust, that the universe wanted it this way, because you can give each other something, that only you can give each other.
To find that, I wish you a light.
A light, that brightens your way, for when it is difficult and dark.
A light, that accompanies you and gives new hope.
I wish you such a light, in each of your hearts.
It actually means a lot to me, that she asked me, to offer a wish. Even though it was a lot of work. Including me, she asked her oldest friend and her brother. Yes, I do feel honored.
Later that day, we took some photos with the photo box, she had put up. I actually took every opportunity I saw, to get a photo with her and the women I’d met on her bachelor party a few months earlier. I did it, because it felt right. I didn’t realize why, but you know what, I am especially proud of myself, that on this day, I did a lot of what felt right. I was “in the moment”, as they say:
I did my best, to care for my partner. She has a hard time right now in general and only knew the bride on that wedding.
I did my best, to offer a wish, that is from my heart.
I did my best, to dance until my back hurt and I was out of breath. Which took around three hours on the dance floor.
I did my best to do right by me and because of that, on that day, I healed a little more. In fact, I was so overwhelmed by gratitude, that I burst into tears on the next day. I made a memory.
“A memory”, you say “why is that something worth mentioning?”.
Well, because my bottomless abyss is my childhood and teenage years. I can remember almost nothing of it (yes, that is not good, see here). It’s like a blank canvas or, depending on my overall state, a deep dark hole I desperately try to fill. I was born as an adult, on that night on the bathroom floor, crying my guts out. The night I accepted, that I came into this world in the wrong body and had to do something about it (hi, I’m transgender, btw.).
Don’t get me wrong. At times, I cherish being able to forget. I see it as a skill. Remembering is, what keeps many people from healing, after all.
But this is also why a new memory is important for me. Other people have many pictures with their friends from childhood and growing up. Of course, it’s not the picture in itself, it’s what they mean. They mean, there was a life and people were in it, who liked me and maybe even cared about me.
The interesting thing is, I do have a life. I have a partner and I even have kids. Yet, somehow, the foundation has to be right, as well. My expected way of things is, to first have friends and then have a relationship with someone. Of course, I had people I did things with. I had people to talk to. But we mostly talked about abstract things, it never felt so “real” to me. I didn’t have the mindset and because of that, I didn’t have the people.
I stare into the abyss, that is my childhood, and it does stare back. It’s dark, bottomless eyes are filled with desperation. Desperation, to be healed.
Love, Julia