Before I turned to meditation many years ago, it was my impression that everything interesting is happening out there. Out there, in this world around us, that we perceive with our five senses. I never noticed anyone in my family mentioning, that there might be something interesting within us. Anything, that was worth my attention.
I am unsure of the reasons, why it was almost treated as a taboo to look inside oneself. Maybe it was the huge amount of pain that had collected during the many hardships my ancestors endured. I know my grandfather was a war prisoner in Russia. He almost never spoke of it. Which I would today interpret as he never processed it. All of my grandparents survived the second world war, but probably scarred deeply inside. By the war, by hunger, by loss of unimaginable proportions.
My parents both probably had a hard time because of it, which they never processed either. “Therapy? I don’t need therapy. I have everything I need.”.
I don’t know why my soul chose to be born to my parents. (I have a few guesses though) But I always was interested in the magic of the world. The more subtle things. This outside world was ever too loud for me and I could not cope. Nobody taught me how. By now, I have learned by myself to cope better. But it was a very long journey, that first led through the depths of my soul.
I had to go through the fire and first learn to know myself before I was able to learn how to cope. I guess, I have some resiliency that many people miss. I have a light within me, that ever shines my way. Or better, I had. It is different now, but for a very long time, I had. That light prevented me from being totally broken by the ravages of the outside world, I was born into. I did not live the way I could have. It was more like a stasis. I waited for my moment but didn’t know I was waiting. Until I was forced to look within. Until I was forced to change my perspective.
Had I known the amount of work waiting for me, I probably just would have killed myself. Yet, along the work, there are wonders within. Wonders that really make up for it. Endless love, bliss and a feeling of unity, which cannot be found outside.
Those are the reasons I keep going. Those are the reasons, I’m still alive.
I have found meaning, a foundation and stability within me, that guide my life outside, in this ever-changing realm. I honestly don’t know, how people can live without this sense of god within. Don’t get me started on Christianity. It’s just a shadow of what it was meant to be.
I have found a vast universe within me. A universe with all the magic, my life was missing. A universe with spirit guides and gods. Yes, dead people, too, but that is all the more interesting. A universe in which Tarot works and witchcraft is real. A universe that was always there and the only thing I had to do, was give myself permission to believe it.
It was hard to believe, because I had to ignore the values of my upbringing. But this is, what my journey has led me to: Second-guess everything I have learned and find out for myself, if it is true for me or not.
Love, Julia