You know, for a long time now I’ve had a death wish. I’ve had it as a teenager, when I almost drove my scooter in front of a truck. I’ve hat it in my twenties, when I wished a train would hit me every time I drove my car over a train crossing.
It got better with me changing my life a little bit (hi, I’m transgender, btw.), but my problem is, I constantly feel the sorrow, that is living. I don’t know, if it is real or if it is just in my head. Well, i guess it is real to me anyhow.
I still wish it to be over. Life is so exhausting to me. Don’t get me wrong, I probably never will end my life by action. But I will not interfere in it’s end either. If it is time for me to leave this world of pain, I will probably accept it gladly.
How do other people do it? How do they not feel the constant exhausting effort of just drawing another breath? How do they not swing into the depths, after they feel the gratitude of being alive? Do they not feel the gratitude of being alive? Is it not a gift and a burden for them at the same time? How do I choose one part over the other in a dualistic system, that works only with both parts?
Don’t get me wrong, there are different days. Days on which it is easier for me. Today is probably one of the worst days in a while. Yet this sentiment reflects in my life choices over and over again.
Universe? How?
I see. I hereby release my attachment to joy. I hereby release my attachment to pain.
