Vacation is such a useful time. I get so many occasions to heal! Today I bought my son a Lego toy. I’ve been wanting to do that for some time and today I went for it and bought him something he saw at the bazaar here on the campsite. He’s a few years too young to assemble it by himself but the construction looked sturdy enough so that he could actually play with it. That is often the problem with Lego, it falls apart easily. It was fun to assemble. I built a lot of Lego when I was a child. I had every set the toy store in the next city had to offer. I even had a big plate with a train and a city built on it. It was fully electrified with lights. The train could stop in front of a traffic light.
But about an hour after we were done building it, I felt my body tensing up. Building the toy had reminded me of my younger self. No specific situation, but the general way my life was. I did, what I always do when I get a new opportunity to heal: I try to let the emotions flow and not bottle them up any longer. It was no fun at all. After I cried for a while in the back of the van, we went to the beach. It was fine at first, but I had forgotten my T-shirt which I like to wear on the beach. So I went back to the van to get it. The way to the beach leads through a really nice pine forest. I felt my body tensing up again and made a detour off the way to connect to the trees and the earth. Again I screamed a bit (I make very little noise while screaming, got a lot of practice) and I returned. Back on the way, I visualized the pain being behind me, in my past. I have already survived it. With every breath out I visualized it leaving me more.
I took our swim ring and went into the sea to my kids and partner. The waves were higher today and the swim ring went up and down, up and down, up and down. Eventually I got nausea. In a swim ring. where the water was so shallow I could stand on my feet. My body had tensed up again. I went to the shore and sat down under the umbrella we had set up. Suddenly my lower back was itching like crazy. I thought it was sand and went to wash it off in the sea. Didn’t work. This meant to me the itch was psychological. Ok, no problem. Close the eyes and go feel it. Nice, the itch turns into a multi-armed monster that stretches from my lower back up to my neck. Ok, no biggie, this is my brain doing a bad job at interpreting the information my subconscious is sending. Of course there is no monster, just poor communication. Go let the “monster” work. It seizes me, I tensen up more and with closed eyes get a lot of bright lights. My body twists and turns a little, I don’t let it too much. I’m in public after all. To top it off, I send in some heart energy: “Jaaaaaaammmmm”. “Come home, we missed you. You are a part of us. We miss you.” I say to myself. I visualize the “monster” being filled with white light straight from my heart. Some more screaming under my breath. Thank god, the waves are loud.
It’s 23:25 o’clock and I’m not done for today. I’ll meditate now and visualize the “monster” being “sucked” into my heart. Yep. It’ll have to come back home eventually. It is a part of me that I splitted off a long time ago to survive. A soul shard (as the shamans say) that saved my life and is now ready to come home. It took a part of my personality with it and I’ll have to integrate that part of me to heal a little bit more.
I’m sitting outside in the dark and I can see the monster in the corner of my eyes. It is at the fringes of my consciousness, lurking in the shadows.
Come home…
Update next day: Today was awkward. My left hand had very little strength. I fell asleep at noon when I just wanted to let it go a little bit more. That sometimes happens when I’m not sitting. It usually means that it is so much that it is overwhelming me. There was some yawning when I relaxed at the beach. That is a good sign. I sometimes yawn continousely for an hour or more. It happens often, especially when I finally relax after having had a trauma for several decades. Once I had a three hour car ride and I yawned almost the whole way.
Also I again feel a bit more at home in my body. But that will probably be another post.
Love, Julia