You know, I’ve been working on my anxiety towards bodies of water for a few years now and today, I want to report success, because I did it 🎉! I dove in the sea yesterday 🧜🏼♀️! (This totally warrants some emojis!!)
Ok, some more background. I wrote here on this blog somewhere, that for many years I had been unable to enter and spend time in water, that was not as clear as a pool. As soon as I stopped to see my feet, it became a problem. As you may know from experience yourself, natural bodies of water like the sea or a lake are often not this clear. Especially not on the shore.
You might argue, that if I have a problem with it, why don’t I just stay out of it?
You might be right, if I wouldn’t be me. If I notice something like that and I get the feeling, that it should not be this way, I do feel the need to investigate.
I cannot describe the path in full, because I do not remember all its parts, but it has to do something with me, my soul and not wanting to see and being unable to accept things about myself. Why?
Because even though I dove in the sea with my monofin and diving googles yesterday, I still swam through shallow, gloomy waters. Just the thought of being able to see, that I am swimming a few meters above ground, still tightens my chest. So this is definitely a milestone and yet, there is still work to be done.
But back to yesterday. I went back to the beach after my dive and I thought to myself, that I had done it and there was no need to go back in today. As you might know, I have kids and my son wanted to go back in with me. I felt reluctant, but eventually, I did it and took another few dives with him. I played with him for a while and told him to stay where he ways, because I wanted to swim a little bit farther.
And this is, where I found the reason I didn’t want to go back in. I had recognized the feeling already, walking into the water, but here it was more distinct. I had found a monster. An old, forgotten and even ousted part of me manifested itself first as anxiety and then as the sensation, that something dark grabbed my shoulder. Which is rather uncool while swimming.
I went back to my son, played with him some more and then it was time for me to get out of the water. I had found, what I came here to find. I don’t yet know, what I found. But I sure as hell will have a talk with this monster. I’m always excited to find out new things about me.
