You know, life is such a strange thing. I try to move forward and not move at the same time. I try to integrate newly discovered sides of me into this life and at the same time, I stay put right here with my kids and with the work, that I need to support this western life.
Don’t get me wrong, I like my work. I’ve built it to fit me. It has followed me and my needs for nearly 20 years now. At the same time, it is stressful right now. The world is breaking and I try to keep this life we built together.
I try to tell myself, that this is the natural process. Well, I know it is. At the same time I fear the consequences of this process and what it means for me and my family. I should trust, but I cannot. I have worked so hard for this life. To have the home we have for us and our kids. I’ve poured years of my life into my work, into my family and into maybe finally being myself. Whatever that actually means.
The worst part is, that by integrating more of that western ideology of living into our life, we make ourself ever more dependent on a system, that seems to me like it is falling apart anytime now. How can this be a path forward? In fact, what is the path forward?
I am thankful of the universe, because it really does it’s best to help us on this path whenever it can. It guides me to finding myself. It’s been more than ten years, since I set out for this incredible insane journey. I have found many parts of me, that were buried for a very long time. Sometimes longer than this lifetime. And I’ve even resolved conflicts, that were with my family for generations.
It seems to me, like changes come in waves. May and June especially brought a lot of change for me:
Recently I’ve been able to swim in the Adreatic Sea, which has been an ongoing process for several years now. I’ve used the monofin, which I bought some time ago for Nehéma. It is really a full body workout to swim them through the waves.
Also, I might have found a way to make more use of me being transgender. Which also has been a long outstanding issue of mine. I’m excited to see if it works out.
The inflation, that hit us in the recent years, left it’s mark on me, too. Never in my life did I have to level up my money spending skills this way. Alright, never in my life I had a family with two kids and a house before. Which probably make up for a big portion of my spending. But I can totally get the frustration of the younger generation, which does not see a future for itself in our western system. I’m not seeing that either. But I praise the universe for sending relief, even if it is in the form of my parents offering to pay a part of our mortgage. Just because I denied my father spending 100€ for him for something, that did not affect me in the least.
My company is having trouble earning the money we need to pay ourselves. Yet the universe is sending customers with new projects. I do not yet know, when I will find the time to actually do them.
I finally leased an electric vehicle instead of our 13 years old combustion engine car. Finally. This. Is. Done. Together with the solar panels on our roof, we move around carbon free!
On a camping trip in May to a relatively nearby camp site in the woods, I got an impulse to go hiking. Just like that I found myself buying a Rucksack and hiking gear and two weeks later walking 20 km to my friend in the next bigger town. On that day she suggested we hike together next time. We have found a date in two weeks time and I’m looking forward to spending the day with her walking.
I thought about writing, that I am failing. And I kinda am. And I’m flourishing at the same time. Is this how failure feels? Is this how success feels? It feels like standing still and moving forward at the same time. Is this the new normal? Are we at the top of the pole? Is this it? Are we only replacing what is broken? Keeping the ship from sinking? Maybe this is the new Zeitgeist. Maybe this is, what this new age is about.
Thank you universe! For all that you have shown me. For guiding me directly and through my friends! And for your support in the future, that I suppose, we will need!
For the coming age is different than what we have experienced for a long time. I’m actually feeling “Schadenfreude” right now. Why? Because last time around they burnt me by the stick. Now I am coming back and all they have achieved in the last 400 years by exploiting other people and mother nature, will be burnt in the fires of climate change. Maybe this, too, is just a zero sum game. Just spanning millennia instead of years.
Up and down like the waves in the Adriatic Sea. Ever changing and not at the same time.
